I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
