Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
