i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
