dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
