Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
