i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
