I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
