literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
