at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
