im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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