I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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