Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
