I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
