You work out of a Hotel?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
