just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
