she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
