Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
