so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
