now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
