the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
