Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
