dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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