Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We had to coat check the pizza.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
