in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
