I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Pappa wants mamma naked
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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