On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i jhust puked up my retainher.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I didn't notice because vodka
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
