Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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