I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
