So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
