I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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