I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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