Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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