just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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