duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
