Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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