I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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