Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
