cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
