the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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