I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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