I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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