the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
