you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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