the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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