You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
