Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
