I wish I could teleport
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
