Christians are straight up FREAKS
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
