i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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