She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
