The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
