I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
