Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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