So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize