My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
