who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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