Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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