I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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