About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
this just has baby written all over it
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Randomize