I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
