Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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