she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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