ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
