Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
