He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
