I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
